Non-Traditional Relationships
By Sarah Green
Romantic relationships and their characteristics have fluctuated greatly throughout history. Marriage was once a largely loveless political contract that wedded powerful families into political and/or economic alliances; now, marriages in Western society happen almost exclusively for love, though there may still be other deciding factors at play. When most people in our society think of a romantic relationship, married or otherwise, they imagine a monogamous pairing. For a long time, a “traditional” relationship was a monogamous and heterosexual one; since the legalization of gay marriage and other advances in LGBTQ rights, that definition has begun to change to include monogamous same-sex relationships as well. While traditional monogamy may be the norm for a large portion of our population, there are also many heterosexual people and people within the LGBTQ community who are in happy and healthy non-traditional relationships
Like their traditional counterparts, non-traditional relationships vary considerably in their dynamics. Two of the more common umbrella terms for non-traditional relationships are Non-Monogamy and Polyamory, although the definitions under each umbrella can differ quite a bit from person to person, community to community, and even relationship to relationship. Due to the fluidity of these relationships and what they may entail, proactive and transparent communication are paramount to non-traditional romance. In these relationships, having more than one partner does not necessarily indicate cheating or infidelity, but since there are more people being linked to each other, communication between each of those people becomes all the more essential. Communication, comfort, and consent are some of the most important components of a non-traditional relationship. If any person involved in a non-monogamous or polyamorous dynamic is either unaware of, uncomfortable with, or not consenting to a pairing or relationship, then this should not be considered a legitimate non-traditional relationship.
Non-Monogamy, which is often referred to as “Ethical Non-Monogamy” (ENM) or “Consensual Non-Monogamy” (CNM), is commonly thought of as an umbrella term to define any relationship that is not a monogamous one, but any also view non-monogamy as being different from polyamory. A non-monogamous relationship often involves one central pairing, where both partners date and/or hook up with others outside of the central relationship with the consent of all parties involved. These partners often refer to themselves as “primary partners,” indicating that partners outside of the primary relationship take a lower priority to that primary partner when it comes to things such as finances or big life decisions. While some non-monogamous people may have multiple partners other than their primary one, many non-monogamous couples only see casual partners outside of their primary pairing. Others may date seriously as a coupled unit and seek out a throuple dynamic. And again, since each non-monogamous person may have a different conception of the “rules” or boundaries of non-monogamy, communication is essential.
Polyamorous relationships, though similar to non-monogamous ones, may be one or more of several different subcategories of polyamory. It should be noted, however, that many people in non-traditional relationships use “non-monogamy” and “polyamory” as interchangeable terms, which is yet another reason to communicate as transparently and proactively as possible. The main forms of polyamory addressed here are Non-Hierarchical Polyamory and Kitchen Table Polyamory, but there are some who practice Solo Polyamory. The main difference between the practices of polyamory and non-monogamy is that polyamorous relationships tend to focus less on a “primary” pairing, and partners may each have multiple other serious relationships outside their own, whereas a non-monogamous pairing may only have casual outside relationships. Polyamory also does not necessarily assign priority to partners based on the duration of a relationship, cohabitation status, or combined finances.
Polyamorous relationships in which each partner has equal importance and weight in making big decisions are usually referred to as “Non-Hierarchical” polyamorous relationships, meaning that there is no “primary” partner. Instead, poly partners who live together may refer to each other as “nesting” partners, which indicates their shared domestic life while avoiding hierarchical language. Kitchen Table relationships can also be non-hierarchical but can revolve around a primary pairing as well. In these relationships, each person knows and is familiar with their partner’s partner(s), and all parties work toward positive relationships with each other. The idea behind the “kitchen table” model is that all linked partners could sit around a table and eat together like one big family. This dynamic often relies on compersion for its success. Compersion refers to a feeling of joy or fulfillment one feels when seeing a loved one experience joy or fulfillment; it is the opposite of jealousy.
If you’re in a non-traditional relationship or are considering this type of relationship click here to learn more about how Freelife Behavioral Health can help support you.
