Do I Need a Gay Therapist?
By Ian Bonner, PsyD
Many gay and queer men ask if they need or could benefit from having a gay or queer therapist. As with most things, there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. Clearly, there are great therapists of all genders and sexual orientations out there that can do amazing work with gay clients. However, there can be a number of important benefits to having a therapist that shares experiences of growing up and living as a gay man. Here are a few major ones that are I commonly discuss with peers and clients:
1. Feeling Understood. A major benefit of having a therapist who shares a sexual orientation with you is that you are more likely to have shared experiences. While no two people have exactly the same experiences, there are common aspects of gay men’s lives that can overlap and make it easier to talk about with someone who “gets it.” Some of these experiences include challenging childhood interactions or bullying, dealing with family, religious conflicts, coming out to one’s self and to others, and navigating the challenges of interacting with other gay people in queer spaces.
2. Emotional Safety: Many aspects of gay men’s lives are shamed by people outside of the community (and sadly inside it too sometimes). Men are often raised to shut down their feelings, be “tough”, not cry, and to feel badly when they do things that are considered feminine. This creates challenges when men want and need to talk about their emotions, form loving relationships, and having a fulfilling sex life that entails doing things that others might consider shameful. Working with a gay male therapist or counselor who has hopefully done their own work around these issues can be very helpful in building up a client’s ability to talk openly and freely about their identity, wants, and needs.
3. Increasing Hope: While therapists can’t become friends outside of therapy with clients, we are sometimes the first gay person that our clients ever get to know or spend and real time with. For newly out-of-the-closet clients, it can be very powerful to experience a relationship with another gay person as safe, supportive, and non-exploitative. Unfortunately, gay men are raised with the same set of stereotypes about other gay men as the rest of society and these can make gay men feel hopeless about forming good relationships with other men, or fearful of how they will be treated. Conventional masculinity standards can make it seem as though men will not be compassionate and caring. In addition, stereotypes about gay men as hypersexual may make men fearful that they will be hit on or sexualized by other gay men. When gay men are able to work with a therapist who cares for them, does not sexualize them, and seeks to nurture a healthy relationship with them, this creates hope for happy and connected relationships outside of the therapy room.
While therapists of all genders and sexual orientations can be of great help to gay male clients, there are some benefits to seeing a therapist that has shared lived experience. If you or someone you know is a gay or queer man who is thinking about starting therapy, Freelife Behavioral Health has gay male therapists and psychiatric medication prescribers with specialized training and lived experience to help meet your needs and goals for personal growth.
